Difficult People: A Surefire Way to Get Along

Surviving the Holidays with Difficult Family

Do you have any difficult family members or acquaintances you're obligated to spend time with during holidays and special events?

I have family who not only have very different political, spiritual, and even nutritional beliefs than I do, some of them love to provoke people who are “stupid enough to believe __” [fill in the blank with everything I hold true].

I used to stress out at these gatherings and eventually stopped going, until one teacher changed all of that.

​I’m sure some of you are familiar with Wayne Dyer. He was a positive light who shone a way for so many people. I feel thankful to have been one of them.

Expert Advice

Dr. Dyer talked about how he stopped bracing against encounters like the one I described above and started leaning into them. He stopped making things about how he felt and decided to see what he could offer. Instead of judging the person with differing beliefs or becoming provoked, he asked questions.

Dr. Dyer asked things like, “That’s interesting, what brought you to the idea?” These kinds of inquiries showed a genuine interest in the other person - not their opposing beliefs. He wasn’t going to be converted to the person’s opinion but he could look for similarities rather than differences.

He would ask questions until there was something he agreed with in the answer. When there was none, he’d find something interesting about the person. If the person mentioned something in their past that he didn’t know, he’d focus there. “I didn’t know you were born in New Jersey. How old were you when you left?” - And, that easily, the conversation is in a new direction.

He wasn’t trying to manipulate the conversation, but genuinely wanting to know more about the person, as a person, not a set of ideals.

Trials and Successes

I’ve tried this technique, though I was skeptical. Sure, that might work for Dr. Dyer and his in-laws, but my family and I have a long history. Nevertheless, I committed to asking questions and not getting sucked into debates. I was shocked at how easily the style of conversation changed.

People love being asked about themselves. It changes the nature of the relationship, not just the conversation.

If you have difficult people to spend time with this holiday season, try to get them on board by showing sincere interest in each individual. Make a game of it to help keep you from getting frustrated. Try not to start sentences with “But… “ (as in, “But the evidence shows…”). Instead, try starting sentences with “That’s interesting.”

You don’t have to agree. Remember, you’re not conceding an argument; you’re expressing curiosity about the human behind the beliefs.